Not Quite Right

There is definitely something not quite right about me and I’m fed up with it! Yesterday I spent most of the day either on or waiting for buses to get me to an appointment with a consultant psychiatrist, having been referred by the local mental health NHS people following my depression, anxiety, return to boozing and more-than-just-occasional suicidal intentions. Thing is, especially with the success of the acting stuff and my placement on ESA in the Support Group without having to attend a “medical”, I’ve been feeling pretty good recently (barring a huge mistake of boozing on Sunday…). So the consultation was badly timed I suppose – these better-feeling times seem to be temporary – and trying to talk about it all when feeling OK was a struggle. Maybe I should have emphasised the temporary nature of it – but I suppose I was hoping it wasn’t temporary. Even so, armed with an all-day “explorer” bus ticket I spent some time in Christchurch, which I like, looking at the river – saw someone catch a beautiful 10lb 8oz barbel – fed some big chub near Ringwood in the river there, and generally enjoyed those parts of the day.

Anyway, today (what’s left of it) has largely returned me to that dismal place. I was exhausted yesterday and went to bed very early for me (11.30pm) and slept well (in itself very rare), intending to get up at a leisurely half ten or eleven (early for me in my present sleep pattern) and go fishing for some bloody HUGE chub I’ve found in a local part of the Avon – I was excited about this. But I didn’t. I woke up numerous times, was aware of the time but I was tired. I was dreaming (can’t recall any of them), and didn’t get up ’til 4.30pm! Lovely day out there and I have WASTED it in bloody bed! This just pisses me off entirely – by which I mean I just piss myself off entirely! What is the fucking point of this! I cannot understand why I am so inertia-bound. I’m not asking for advise or suggestions (I doubt anyone will read this anyway). I just need to express this. It is extremely bad timing that the autumn production for the acting group was cancelled (for reasons I won’t go into here – mainly because I don’t know them!) – I need that exterior discipline of set days/times for rehearsals etc.

Dammit dammit dammit… Must stay off the booze tonight.

Confrontation!

There are times when I wish I was bigger, stronger, better at fighting, up to date with some good quality martial arts techniques, and didn’t have a dodgy back. Today was one of those occasions in Fordingbridge High Street (that well known trouble spot…) with a young arsehole fresh out of his nappies who can’t handle his mother’s milk without needing to spoil for a fight! Accusing me of swearing in front of his young child (I raised my middle finger to a motorist who refused to stop at the zebra crossing – he was waiting on the other side of the road – and told him to fuck off under my breath walking away from him when he had a verbal go at me), he threatened me with physical violence, shoved me, ran after me after the first time his woman pulled him away from me, ran after me again, nearly getting run over (the older occupants of the vehicle had a go at him!). While he was arguing with the motorists I offered to apologise to him for any offence caused to his child if he would calm down, but that wasn’t enough for him, saying I then had to apologise to him too! No chance! His wife/partner/ mother of the child pulled him off again, told him HE was upsetting his child, and apologised to me for him! What an arsehole – spoiling for a fight – which he’ll find with someone harder than me the way he was going – and not having the balls to accept my apology but having to rely on his woman to act like an adult!

Apart from that a lovely day!